Harry Potter and the Legacy of the Light: A Harry Potter/The Dark Is Rising Sequence Crossover
The CONDENSED EDITION -- Chapters Twenty-Two through Twenty-Five
By: Gramarye
WILL: So, picking up from where we left off, we need to come up with a cunning plan to beat the Dark Lord.
HARRY: Ooh, ooh, I've got a cunning plan!
WILL: If your idea of 'cunning plan' somehow involves setting yourself on fire, Mr Potter, then I strongly suggest that you reconsider it.
HARRY: Damn it.
WILL: Essentially, I want the five of you to read my mind and then tell me the plan that I've already selected.
HERMIONE: How are we supposed to do that?
WILL: I thought you would have realised it by now, Miss Granger -- you can't.
HERMIONE: Damn it.
HARRY: In the meantime, Ron, why don't we pretend to beat the crap out of each other so no one realises that we've actually made up already?
RON: Only if you'll forget all that stuff I said about you and Voldemort and nude beach volleyball.
HARRY: I wish you hadn't reminded me about it in the first place.
HARRY/RON: *pretend to beat the crap out of each other*
HARRY: Thank goodness that's over.
NATALIE McDONALD: OhmygodHermioneIhavetowriteanessayforSnapethat'samillionbillionfeetlongwhatdoIdo?!!1!
HERMIONE: Why, you could have a completely innocent look at one of my old essays, if you think it'll help.
NATALIE McDONALD: ThankyousomuchHermioneyou'rejustthebestestandprettiestandsmartestwitchEVER!!
RON: Has she ever thought about switching to decaf?
WILL: Gather round, children -- I've got a present for all of you.
GINNY: Ooh, what is it?
WILL: Shiny white stones, of course.
HARRY/RON/HERMIONE/NEVILLE/GINNY: ...of course.
WILL: They're special shiny white stones.
HARRY/RON/HERMIONE/NEVILLE/GINNY: ...whatever you say, Will.
WILL: And you're going to get a crash course in how to use them in five -- four -- three -- two --
SOMEONE AT THE DOOR: *knock knock*
RON: Bloody-hell-it's-the-Dark-don't-let-it-eat-me!
MCGONAGALL'S VOICE: Is everything all right in there?
SNAPE'S VOICE: Potter, open the door before the sheer force of my unpleasant personality causes the wood to warp.
HERMIONE: We'll be fine -- as long as the door's closed, the Dark can't get in!
WILL: Please open the door, Miss Granger.
HERMIONE: *boggles*
RON: *whimpers*
NEVILLE: *covers his eyes*
GINNY: *clings to Harry*
HARRY: *unsuccessfully attempts to pry Ginny loose*
WILL: *smiles omnisciently in a way that is not at all reassuring*
MCGONAGALL: Terribly sorry to barge in like this, Dr Stanton, but --
SNAPE: -- Miss Granger here is a cheater-cheater-pumpkin-eater.
HERMIONE: *has a complete nervous breakdown at light-speed*
MCGONAGALL: That wasn't very helpful, Severus.
RON: Must...kill...greasy GIT!
NEVILLE/HARRY: *half-heartedly attempt to restrain Ron's homicidal rampage*
WILL: Of course none of this has anything to do with defeating the Dark Lord, so I'll see Miss Granger next week, then?
SNAPE: *twitch*
MCGONAGALL: Why, of course, Dr Stanton.
SNAPE: *twitch twitch*
WILL: And I'm sure that Professor Snape's highly developed senses of fair play and good conduct will be satisfied by permitting him to escort Miss Granger to and from our sessions.
SNAPE: *twitch twitch spasm*
WILL: Come along, Harry, I think I've tormented your Potions Master enough for one evening.
DUMBLEDORE: Hello, have I missed anything terribly important?
HARRY: Well, Hermione's in hysterics, Ron nearly tried to throttle Snape, Draco Malfoy's an accessory before the fact and Will won't let me set myself on fire.
WILL: Remind me never to let you give a plot summary ever again.
DUMBLEDORE: Splendid, splendid...more tea, either of you?
WILL: *sighs and uses the tea to wash down two tablets of ibuprofen*
HERMIONE: Look, all of you can stop following me around now, because I'm not going to slit my wrists or start listening to Evanescence or anything stupid like that.
HARRY: Are you sure?
HERMIONE: *rolls her eyes and heads in the general direction of the next chapter*
MRS FIGG: Right, you lot, I'm going back to being a jackbooted defender of the wizarding legal system, so here's your new -- er, old -- er, your new-old Defence teacher.
REMUS: And look who I've brought with me!
SNUFFLES: Woof.
HARRY: Sirius, you're ali...er, you're here with Remus!
SIRIUS: Yes indeed, I'm here with my purely platonic old buddy old pal Remus Lupin!
REMUS: That's right, Harry, my purely platonic non-dead non-traitor best friend and I have returned to at Hogwarts at last!
HARRY: Yay!
REMUS/SIRIUS: Yay!
MRS FIGG: By the way, Harry, Heckel and Jeckel here are now your guardians.
HARRY: Yay!
REMUS/SIRIUS: Yay!
MRS FIGG: *rolls her eyes and heads in the general direction of Chapter 29*
NEVILLE: Meanwhile, back in the Room of Requi...er, unnamed room near the library....
RON: Say, Will, can I ask you a really really awkward question?
WILL: I don't know -- can you?
RON: Er, yeah, I suppose I can...um, what was Merlin like?
WILL: ...do you want the long version, or the short version?
RON: The short version, please.
WILL: He was tall.
RON: Um, how about the long version?
WILL: ...he was very tall.
GINNY: Ron, I think that's your cue to not ask that question ever again.
HERMIONE: Besides, there are more important things to do, like figure out how to clear my name.
COLIN: Guess what, Harry?
HARRY: What, Colin?
COLIN: By a fantastically lucky coincidence, I've found evidence to prove that Natalie was the one who cheated!
RON: So we can go kick her arse now?
HERMIONE: Let me try to reason with her first.
NATALIE MCDONALD: You can't prove anything, Granger, so don't even try.
HERMIONE: All right, Ron, the arse-kicking can commence any time now.
NATALIE MCDONALD: All right, I confess, I did it because I didn't want to fail out of Hogwarts, please don't kill me!
HERMIONE: That's all right, I'll tell McGonagall to go easy on you.
NATALIE MCDONALD: Really?!?
HERMIONE: Cross my heart and hope to...er, yeah, sure.
MCGONAGALL: Miss Granger, it seems that Miss McDonald has confessed -- do you have anything to say that might make me not expel her?
HERMIONE: No, ma'am.
(HALF OF THE READERS: The HELL?
THE OTHER HALF OF THE READERS: Oh, I completely saw that coming.)
NATALIE MCDONALD: *faints dramatically*
HERMIONE: After all, everyone knows that you've got to get behind someone before you can stab them in the back.